Now that Barry Bonds has finally tied Babe Ruth and will likely overtake him soon, again with no official acknowledgement, I've typed my own special tribute to Barry and Bud Selig, a parody of W.H. Auden's "The Unknown Citizen." Enjoy.
The Unknown Slugger
This Marble Asterisk Is Erected by Bud Selig
He was found by the Office of Major League Baseball to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
But all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a taint,
For in everything he did he served the Barry Community.
Except for one year till the day he retired
He played for weak teams and never got fired
up—unsatisfied with his employers, the bad team.
Yet he wasn’t too bad or odd in his views,
For his Mistress reports that he paid some dues,
(Our report on his Mistress shows he’s a clown)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with himself and liked the Cream.
The Press are convinced that he brought an evil every day
And that his reactions to questions were abnormal in every way.
Steroids taken in his arm prove that it’s gone to his head,
And his cap size shows he was once much skinnier but not unfed.
Both Sports Illustrated and The Chronicle declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Roid-taking Plan
And had everything necessary to an Arrogant Man,
A hypodermic, a mistress, a bat and a cruel stare.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are pissed
That he took clean tests during the baseball year;
When it was winter, he was for drugs; when they played ball, he missed.
He was quite good and added seven MVPs to his mantle,
Which our Bud Selig says is fine and good—those we won’t dismantle—
And his coaches report that Bonds never choked Jeff Kent or ranted.
Was he clean? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had Barry Bonds used drugs, we should certainly have heard.