Thursday, November 30, 2006

All I want for Christmas

(and my birthday, which falls shortly after Christmas)

  • The tea stains off my two front teeth.
  • Elvis Costello cd's, including "My Aim is True," "Get Happy!" "Imperial Bedroom," "Trust," and "The Delivery Man."
  • The final Harry Potter book to come out so I can gloat when most of my predictions about it are true.
  • Good mental health.
  • A scarf.
  • Whatever the best Jay-Z cd is.
  • All the white evangelicals to realize how inherently racist it is to wish for a return to America's glory days of the pre-1950s.
  • For said evangelicals to realize how inherently silly it is to believe that God guides American history and that He/She/It speaks directly to them.
  • A good Hold Steady cd.
  • The ability to eat the apples I buy and not forget about them, letting them rot into softness next to the stove.
  • Nothing pony-related. (Take heed, bro and sister-in-law.)
  • An academy award for Borat.
  • More email, less junk email.
  • A new pair of jeans.
  • Less back pain.
  • Really stylish hair, but just for about a month.
  • Underwear. Well, only from my wife.
  • Functional government.
  • Funnier running jokes.
  • A new laptop.
  • A working knowledge of a foreign language.
  • Cable television without the addiction to bad television.
  • Funkytown's football team to make it to the NFL playoffs. (This would be funnier if they weren't an NFL team.)
  • Bill Maher to realize that a comedian wearing a suit is still merely a comedian.
  • For said comedian to realize that his one-liners aren't that great, that few comedians use one-liners anymore, that smirking when you reach the one-liner doesn't make it funny.
  • To ease up a bit on people like Bill Maher and direct my energy elsewhere. Like Deadspin.
  • Coffee, without the shakes.
Updated again
  • A one-credit course for all incoming undergraduates on how to use the fucking bathroom, including the normalcy of using a urinal, the good reasons not to pee on the seat, and how to flush.

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