The Gospel According to Ann

You may have heard that notorious hack Ann Coulter has a book coming out this summer titled Godless: The Church of Liberalism. It's due to come out on June 6, 2006, apparently as her "tribute to liberals": the date is 6-6-6. (Really, it's 6-6-06, but why quibble?)

I'm an atheist, but one who admires the central ethical tenets of Christ. I also respect people of faith who act morally and ethically; any guiding force that leads to good is honourable, no matter what leap of faith you've taken--and atheism is just as big a leap as faith.

But I was curious, being a little more than passingly familiar with Coulter's work, how she is actually a Christian in anything more than name. And then I was struck with the image of her teaching a text like the Sermon on the Mount. So here we have:

Ann Coulter's Sunday School (or ACSS--the C is silent)

Matthew 5:3--Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Ann Coulter--Instead of poor people with hope and possibility, we now have a permanent underclass of aspiring criminals knifing one another between having illegitimate children and collecting welfare checks.

Matthew 5:4--Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Ann Coulter--To expiate the pain of losing her firstborn son in the Iraq war, Cindy Sheehan decided to cheer herself up by engaging in Stalinist agitprop outside President Bush's Crawford ranch. It's the strangest method of grieving I've seen since Paul Wellstone's funeral. Someone needs to teach these liberals how to mourn.

Matthew 5:27-28--Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Ann Coulter--Like the Democrats, Playboy just wants to liberate women to behave like pigs, have sex without consequences, prance about naked, and abort children.

Coulter, elsewhere--Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married.

Matthew 5:44-45--But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Crazy Little Thing: Frankly, I just don't know where to start on this one. Maybe the quote about blowing up the New York Times, or invading countries and killing their leaders, or how liberals hate America and want to give aid to the terrorists, or killing liberals to scare them, or threatening to poison a Supreme Court judge.

Matthew 6:2-6--Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
3But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
4That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Ann Coulter--Actually, I think it's time to come clean with my readers and admit that I belong to a small religious cult that celebrates the birth of Jesus this week.

Ah, sweet, deliberate understatement.

Also, there's the whole bit about converting Muslims to Christianity and killing their leaders; on a related note, she ridicules anyone who would call Islam a religion of peace.

Oh, she's also publishing a book called Godless, putting herself in the position of some sort of Christian who deserves to be in the position to judge.

Matthew 7:1--Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Crazy Little Thing: Um...

If you want to add some of Coulter's scriptural commentary, post it in the comments. I feel unequipped to summarize, so I'll end by quoting Thomas Jefferson.

"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing than he who believes what is wrong." (Notes on Virginia, 1782)

"But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." (Notes on Virginia, 1782)

"Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear." (Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787)

"I concur with you strictly in your opinion of the comparative merits of atheism and demonism, and really see nothing but the latter in the being worshipped by many who think themselves Christians." (Letter to Richard Price, Jan. 8, 1789. Richard Price had written to TJ on Oct. 26. about the harm done by religion and wrote "Would not Society be better without Such religions? Is Atheism less pernicious than Demonism?")

"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and State." (Letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT., Jan. 1, 1802)

"History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes." (To Alexander von Humboldt, Dec. 6, 1813)

"The whole history of these books [the Gospels] is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills." (Letter to John Adams, January 24, 1814)

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." (Letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814)